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Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
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5:33 pm - Last Post
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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9:26 pm - Is this the end?
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I'm starting to feel that it's time to do something with this journal, start fresh. So, what I think I am going to do is make a new online journal and leave this one behind for people who want to read about who I was.
I'm no longer neogrendel. I no longer feel as if I am an ugly creature to be loved by noone. I know I'm loved, I know I am wanted in this world so that makes the name irrelevant to who I am. So, I think I'll be making up a new journal with a name that fits me more. It's just to bad it can't be another live journal, I'll be switching to blurty.
Before I stop posting here though I'll make one last post with my new online journal. After that, people who want to continue to read about the life of Shea will have to go to my other journal.
A two year project: Finished.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 29th, 2004
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10:41 pm - University of Pyscho's.
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So, earlier this year I was planning to move down to Alabama with my best friend Steph. Now, plans have changed, and I have thought a little bit more of what I really want. Instead of moving south, I'm going to stay right where I am at and go to the University in my city. Normally I would end the paragraph here, but as it is my enter key isn't working... anyways... I talked with Steph about this too. She seems a little down about the idea of staying here but I think that has to do more with other things. I believe she is down more because of other area's in her life, not because she's not going to move south. At anyrate, we're both going to move in togeather anyways. And, when school gets out I'm going to look for a better job. I need something that is going to pay well enough for me to make ends meet without having to work 40 hours a week.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 27th, 2004
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6:50 pm
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Not to keen on this quiz... life's to precious to end it by my own hand.
JIMMY HENDRIX (1942-1970)
You are like the musician Jimmi Hendrix. Your
relatives are from all over the world. You
spent the most of your time in your childhood
by your grandma because of your disrupted
parental roof. Because of a bag buffet of fate
you will dedicate to the music. You will learn
so well that everybody will admire you for this
you are able to. But soon you wont feel happy
anymore. You will not like your non-critical
fans and get frustrated. Your rapidly change of
mood, your loneliness and your aggressions
will make you feel bad. You will not even be
able to trust your friends anymore. And you
will have a drug problem. One time you will
take too much sleeping tablets and die from
your own puke .Maybe you will kill yourself
inadvertent.
~Which famous suicide would you be?+8 different,long results and pics!!~
brought to you by Quizilla
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(comment on this)
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6:42 pm
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You are the most rarest find. You are the
shapeshifter. Have a bubbly personality? Thats
what i thought. You shape from the Yeti to a
fairy to a person of the mist to the person in
my math class. You can have a temper and can be
mislead easily.
What kind of element fey are you? (PRETTY PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla
It's a neat picture but... I'm not a bubbly person. Though, I do feel I change faces a lot.. neat.
You are a Spiritualist. Your magic flows from the
primal forces of the cosmos. You could be a
gentle Healer, a miraculous Prophet or a
spirit-summoning War-mage with the strong link
your soul provides to the realms beyond
reality. You have preternatural abilities,
intutively sensing the personality of people
you meet and discerning events yet to happen.
You enhance your aura with meditative pursuits.
You are a good judge of character but your
idealism or morality can confuse others.
Which Magical Order Are You In?
brought to you by Quizilla
I think this one was quite intresting. I felt a lot of the traits asked fit me. I can sometimes be proud, moody, judgemental, and stubborn. Though, I also feel I can be wise, creative, scholarly and creative. So.. I kinda evened it all out with the pros and cons.
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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8:46 pm
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You are a white dragon, pure and noble, you would
help humans if they desprately need you. YOu
are kind and wise with a heart of gold.
Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
I like this quiz a lot.
LOVING ONE. You need most safety in your
relationship. You want to to feel sure in
his/her arms, know that he will protect you and
can be totally devoted to your other. At this
point you are very vulnerable. You open
yourself and dont even think that he/she could
cheat you. You totally trust your partner in
every single way. SO if you find out that
she/he lied to you or played a game this trust
is broken. You may try to forgive your other
but this will be very difficult.He/She has to
be friendly and you have to feel warmth from
him/her coming out.
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.
You can always message me or tell me how I can
improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
This one is alright.
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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8:52 pm
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Hold your breath and listen,
Can you hear the silence?
My heart no longer beats.
The pulse of life has dissipated.
I am struggling to revive,
Live again among a world
That only see's the glass...
Not the contents within.
Hold your breath and listen,
Can you hear the silence?
Soon your heart will die too.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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8:24 pm - Thoughts?! Oh my, I never knew you thought!
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I had some intresting thoughts today. I've noticed that Galahir has taken up a lot of my pages in my Communications journal. From church, to feelings, to occurances, he seems to be flooding the pages. It's good though, a journal isn't great to read if there is no focus, right? Back to my intresting thoughts.
I've finally defined why I have these feelings for my friend. I'm not sure if my definition is right but it seems to make the most logical sense to me besides the basic attraction to his being. These feelings I have for him are something He wants me to have. He has given me these feelings so that I might be closer to my friend when he needs me. I have a feeling that He knows my friend is going to be going through some tough times and will need extra support. I believe that He gave me these feelings not to act on them, but to just willingly bring me closer to my friend. I came up with this while I was working today, and loosing my voice.
I feel this is the most logical explanation in my mind. It helps me simmer my feelings down and become calmer. I really like my friend a lot but if my feelings continue on their path they will eventually consume me. If I think of things this way then it keeps me in a position of liking him but does not make me go insane over him. It allows me to not want to cross the distance between friendship so badly. It keeps me in the position where, I feel, I am most needed right now. Besides, I'm moving soon so any relationship is futile. I guess right now I'm here at the right time, the right place, and I just have to be who I am during it all.
Other news. Tomorrow is my 18th birthday. Soon I'll be able to do a lot more than I have been able to do for a while. It feels weird thinking that I will be moving out on my own soon. It's still about five months away, but that's really not that long in the spectrum of my life. I'm aphrensive because this birthday is the beginning, the beginning of the end for this life and the slow resurrection of the new. Soon, I'll be away from here, my friends will whither and only those who are truly great will survive the withering. I am hoping that Galahir survives this with me. I want to know him long from now, I want to see him evolve into whatever he is going to become. He is the other person in the world right now that seems to hold close to my heart. I want to see Steph and him change. I love them both. Though, Steph is my unoffical sister. I plan to know her for the rest of my life... she's the one I want to be visiting for a night out when I'm 50.
Hm... it's changing. 3 and 1/2 hours left.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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6:32 pm
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Which Big O character are you?
Life is simpler again. I was subtle in my approach in finding out if my friend liked anyone. He said he wasn't intrested in anyone right now so now I know about the mixed signals. There is nothing there, nothing that I can persue and I've known it for a while =) I'm looking forward to the day when I can find someone who I am intrested in, and who is intrested in me. So far, such a thing hasn't really happened all to much. It's only high school though, I've got time and if not... I can be alone. I'll always have friends, hopefully, and they'll be good enough =)
I like the quiz. I preffer the water one I took though.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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4:04 pm - Moods
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It's hard to describe why I sometimes feel like there is nothing here for me. It's hard to understand why I sometimes think that if I died today the world wouldn't blink. It hurts to realize that like everyone, I will simply be forgotten and cast aside as the ages turn. Right now though it hurts to really realize anything. It's not a horrible pain, just a dull annoying one that rests at the bottom of my stomach constantly reminding me of it's presence.
I've started to peice it togeather the mixed signals, the strange wants, and I've decided on something. I can't like people, I'm to afraid to share my own feelings with people that I won't ever really end up with someone I truly want. I've already been with one person I really cared for and it seems like nothing compares. Though, I despriately want to share my feelings.. they just don't come forth. So, it seems like I'm stuck in this strange circle that causes me to never be with who I want. It's because the people I choose to like are never the ones who return the affections.
I'm becoming spent, my mind is racked with thoughts and feelings I wish to banish to the farthest depths of hell. Life would be simpler without feelings.. it'd be boring.. but I wouldn't care, I'd have no feelings.
Ooo.. I detest it so much right now. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm confused and trying to escape from the confusion. I dislike liking people because it leaves me in a dark state where the only light is the twinkling stars.. that's not enough light to see by. I miss when I didn't like anyone.. when I didn't wait for them to say, "Hey, I've got something to tell you.. I like you more than you know."
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| Sunday, March 14th, 2004
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10:48 pm
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You are water. You're not really organic; you're
neither acidic nor basic, yet you're an acid
and a base at the same time. You're strong
willed and opinionated, but relaxed and ready
to flow. So while you often seem worthless,
without you, everything would just not work.
People should definitely drink more of you
every day.
Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
so.. while I often seem worthless. Intresting =) Well.. least my kitty finds worth in me -snuggles with his black kitty-
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(comment on this)
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10:20 pm
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I love the anticipation of waiting. It seems annoying while you are going through it but there is something awsome about all of the "what if's" you can create during this phase.
I came back from my long sitting infront of the television (a lastexile marathon woo) and saw several messages on my screen. One of them was from Galahir saying he had two things to tell me. I have no clue what he has to tell me but I am very curious as to what he might say. I am wondering if he is going to tell me he is not going to outright next tuesday or if it's something with more depth... Galahir is hard to really pin down, though it makes it harder when I know so little. I was hoping to learn more about him today, but alas, it did not happen.
My Dad has vertigo right now, so I've been home most of the day just lazily picking up while I make sure he gets what he needs. He didn't really eat tonight, he's too dizzy, so I brought him a low carb drink of some sort. So far he has been sleeping well so I'm glad. I never like it when either of my parents are sick, it feels weird reversing the role.
Now, onto LastExile. Lastexile is this strange anime series about this group of people looking for this magical place called exile. I can't really describe it much more than that but... I found a name in there that I loved instantly when I heard it. Emomian (not sure on the spelling). The name is attractive, and it's sounds so smooth compaired to my nickname Shamus. I love saying it, I'm going to share it with Galahir when I talk to him next.
Often times people too weak to follow their own dreams will discourage others from following theirs.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 11th, 2004
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7:04 pm
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( This is the letter I sent to my Christian Youth Group Leader )
Dear Dave-
I just wanted to let you know I think you are a
pretty awsome guy. I also wanted to point out
something in particular you said in the last Shiloh
session... it was akin to "same-sex marriages, just
say no".
Now, Dave, whatever you believe is fine.. I just
want to remind you that there are homosexual people
within Reckless. Being a homosexual is tough, I know
because I am one, but being a homosexual christian is
even harder. I come to reckless to feel safe, feel
loved, and be around people who believe in God as much
as I do. I just wanted to let you know that what you
said made me kinda upset, that's all. Of course, I'm
not attacking your beliefs on the issue, I just wanted
to let you know there are people there who you might
have hurt with what you said. We respect you, and
look up to you (atleast I know I do) so what you say
goes a long way.
God Bless You,
Shea
( This is the letter I recieved from my Christian Youth Group Leader)
Shea,
I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and
feelings with me. I do not remember the comments you are referring to
but I do apologize if I offended you. Obviously I love all you guys
and have given my heart and my life to serving young people like yourself. The last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt someone in the youth group.
I do however stand firm on what the Bible says regarding homosexuality.
That it is wrong.
But that does not mean that I don't love and care about homosexuals.
God calls us to love the sinner and hate the sin. The Word also says
for all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. So as a
sinner myself, I want people to love me but hate my sin, and help me
where I am falling (when it is the right person at the right time). I
hope Reckless can be a place where you feel comfortable enough to let
God minister to your heart... as he does mine each week.
Shea, I am thankful that you felt open enough to share with me and not get wicked offend and hold a grudge. I will be praying for you and hope that you keep me in your prayers as well.
God Bless,
Dave
( I was never going to hold a grudge against Dave, God says to love everyone. Though, I've heard the bible has several views on homosexuality. Plus, when the part on homosexuality was written it was a different time period, do the same rules still apply or should the bible be redefined? All I know is I plan to love everyone, regardless of their sins, and never judge them because of their sins. I think Dave did that here, but the conflict I have is with what he considers the sin. I don't believe that love between two people of the same-sex is the sin, I think that the sex should be considered the sin... JUST LIKE HETROSEXUAL SEX! Therefore, I don't believe there should be so much fuss about homosexuality. But there is, and I think it's due more to ignorance than the religion itself.)
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| Monday, March 8th, 2004
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10:05 pm - 8-bit theater madness
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o h matt adams: Man. after tomorrow I've not got much to do.
o h matt adams: yay!
HoLy154: Oh?
o h matt adams: just have to finish the touch ups on my paper
HoLy154: Ah, very awsome.
HoLy154: Why RM.
HoLy154: ?
o h matt adams: and some Dynamics of Engineering Materials.. then I'm done for the week!
o h matt adams: lol
o h matt adams: cause he's cutest
HoLy154: Awsome.. sorry.. tangent..
o h matt adams: its ok
HoLy154: No, BM is the cutest!
HoLy154: -laughs-
o h matt adams: He may be a bit cuter in looks, but he lacks in kindness
o h matt adams: Dude BM would be an awful boyfriend
HoLy154: But he regains it in humor.
o h matt adams: RM would PWN cause he can do everything for you!
HoLy154: BM would be an awful boyfriend, I think that RM would probably be the better choice.
HoLy154: But.. by sheer looks... BM rules.
o h matt adams: however if I were just going after looks, I'd actually go for ninja
HoLy154: .. pssh!
HoLy154: BM all the way.
o h matt adams: tight body. scantily clad... mmmm
HoLy154: Those robes.. can hide a lot of stuff =)
o h matt adams: lol
o h matt adams: sides. ninja's abilities with nun-chucks... I can only imagine what one can do with those...
o h matt adams: ::blush::
HoLy154: -laughs-
HoLy154: Well.. BM can blow your world...
HoLy154: ... litterally.
o h matt adams: hah
HoLy154: That raw power, pretty attractive I must say.
o h matt adams: LOL
o h matt adams: you're a money whore!
o h matt adams: I go for the simpler men.
o h matt adams: lol
HoLy154: lol!
HoLy154: Money whore.. wha?!?
o h matt adams: haha
o h matt adams: you want BM for his power!
o h matt adams: lol
HoLy154: Damn straight, imagine that power transfered in bed -grins devilishly-
o h matt adams: hahaha
HoLy154: I love BM, he's halarious.. and perfectly mean... but still a tigerrr.. -purrs-
o h matt adams: haha
HoLy154: -laughs- This is such a weird convo.
HoLy154: ... This has to be saved.
o h matt adams: LOL
o h matt adams: TO THE LJ BATMAN
HoLy154: lol.
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6:28 pm - Suprise on the scale
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This 'I'm poor' diet seems to be working for me. Because of Lent I'm only allowed to drink water, and I haven't really had to much of an appetite for sweet things lately... and I've been low on money... so I've finally gone under 180 pounds. This is so strange, I remember when I use to look at the scale and weigh ten more pounds.. now I'm just loosing it slowly, which is nice.
I'm hoping to reach 170. I think loosing 40 pounds from my maximum weight would be good. Though, when I get there I wonder if I'll want to try and get to 160.. who knows. At anyrate, 40 pounds doesnn't seem like a whole lot right now, don't know why.
I'm liking this whole loosing weight thing though, it's a lot better than gaining it lol. I think I'm going to go for a walk on the tredmil tonight, maybe a good 40 minutes or something. Just something to keep my metabolism up and going.
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| Sunday, March 7th, 2004
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3:59 pm - Today
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All I could think about today was going to church. For some reason I have had this alarming urge to be in the church praying, singing, and just in general being in the presence of it. I think it is also part of my nostalgia of yesterday.
Last night was amazing, saturday has become my supreme religious day. On Saturday I work in the morning, then following that I go to St. Peters church with Galahir (which I very much enjoyed yesterday), and finally I go to Reckless. I just had so much fun sitting in St. Peters yesterday observing everything... and Reckless.. I've been singing ever since =)
There's something great about today... I'm not really sure what it is yet.. but it's great.
As for other things... I'm starting to have thoughts about moving. So far it's been so far away but now... as I start to get closer to the time of moving, I'm very timid about it. I want to be with Steph, no doubt, and I will be moving.. but I can't help the thought of missing everyone.
People are going to be so far away in the next few months, it's going to be strange. Things are going to change so much and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ready for that. Whatever the case... atleast Steph will be with me when we move, and that's really the only person I need.
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| Saturday, March 6th, 2004
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10:42 pm
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10:13 pm - I went!
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I went to Reckless tonight, it was amazing. I haven't been to Reckless Youth Ministry for the past few weeks and I realize how much it really energizes me. There was one problem I had with tonight though, someone talked about same-sex marriages.
A girl made an announcement before we started worship saying, "Next Wednesday at the courthouse we are having a silent protest against same-sex marriages." Now, I wasn't to bothered by that but when Dave, the pastor, said, "Same-sex marriages, just say no," I was saddened. Here, someone I thought so highly of, cannot see that marriage should be a union between two loving beings.. regardless of sex. So, before we had worship I prayed to God asking him to let me put these feelings aside so I could just worship him. And I did, I put them aside and worshiped till my throat hurt and my legs felt like they were going to give out- I loved every moment of it.
This month is called March Madness. The goal of march madness is to bring your friends to Reckless so they can experience it. Next saturday I am taking Galahir to Reckless, I hope he likes it.
I really wanted to take Galahir tonight though. I have no clear reason why but I just wanted to experience Reckless with him tonight. For some reason though, I missed him by just a few moments. I guess I just want to hang out and have a chance to talk to Galahir in a face to face setting instead of a IM to IM setting. He seems like a very intresting person and it'd make it easier to read him if I could see him. It's hard to read peoples emotions over a internet medium... very hard.
At anyrate... to have a crush is to only crush yourself I guess. I really see no reason why I should have a crush on anyone, it makes it hard to think. I'm trying really hard lately to just focus my thoughts on this one person though in learning more about them.
I wake to sleep so I take my waking slow. I want to see everything.
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| Friday, March 5th, 2004
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3:48 pm - Such a headache
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I have such a headache right now that it's just amazing I'm still able to write this. I've been thinking a lot about people lately and I'm starting to realize that I have a few crushes (I hate that word, note to self: devise new word for crush). They're nothing huge or all consuming, but they are there just lurking below the surface of, "I don't really want to like anyone right now," modus operendi.
I still like them though, that's unavoidable, but what is avoidable is sharing that with them. Secrets are good things sometimes, they save you from embarassement and give you some sense of security knowing that only you know the answers. It's only when secrets are shared that they become extreamly stressful, and annoying.
At anyrate, I'm going to try and finish "The Book of Shadows" tonight so I can start on a new book. I'm tried of reading it and just want to know the rest of the story. The next book I think I am going to read is called "Guilty Pleasures." The book itself sounds dirty so I suppose I'll be reading through it fast so not many people see me at school with it.
Off to read now and contemplate these new crushes... to see what they mean, if anything.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 4th, 2004
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6:43 pm - Searching for money
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Today, for the most part, was very much like every other day. I woke up, crawled out of bed and slapped the alarm off. Then I went right back to bed. I think I did it about three times this morning, my record is eight. After all of the slapping and the walking across the room I grabbled clothes and ran for a quick shower, the morning rush wakes me up quite a bit after laying in bed for so long. I am beginning to think I am alternating my sleep pattren to falling asleep fast, but then waking up early. My brain just wants to think about all of the little issues it has! Anyways....
Then of course I went to school, did my thing there, and then went to work to do my thing there. At work I decided I need to get a second job. I'm moving to Alabama in July and I want to have atleast 2,500 dollars. If I get a second job that allows me to work oh say... 15 hours a week... and pays more than eight dollars an hour I should be able to do it no problem. As it is right now I am recieving 7.40 at Dunkin's, I only work about 22 hours a week there. I would love to be working a good 37.. 35 hours a week. It's really hard to do that though with my activites.
If I do get another job though I know I have to give up shilo on Saturdays and Diversty after school on Monday's. I need the money badly if I want to have enough money to survive for a few months down in good ol' Alabama.
I've done a little math here. I make about 120, 150 a week at Dunkins while I am in school. Now, if I continue on with that for the next three months I'm only making about 600 for moving to Alabama because I have to pay 600 for car insurance.
If I can find a job that gives me an extra 200-300 dollars a month, I'll be able to have about 1,200 min before school ends and 1,500 max before school ends. Then, when school ends I will work, hopefully, 60 hours a week and gain a good couple thousand. My goal is to have atleast 2,500 before moving down to Alabama. The person I am with also plans to have that much, so collectively we'll have 5,000.. which is our goal. My ideal would be to have 6,000... maybe more. At anyrate, Steph and I want to make sure we have enough money for a few months rent + utilites. That way we can focus on finding Jobs and getting settled.
Oh, it's going to be hellish for the next few months with work but it's worth it in the end. I want to move down there so bad that I can already feel the Alabama heat on my skin!
I also e-mailed Auburn today. I told them about them sending me a letter saying I am on a waiting list, then them calling me, and then that I haven't been contacted since. I also asked them if their nursing program was full for the spring, and if it isn't how do I apply for that spesifically. I spent so much time making sure my grammar, spelling, and all of that junk was correct I forgot to sign it with my name, doh! Good thing I said my full name in the first sentence.
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neogrendel's journal